Tip: They Don't Have to Like You

Are you a software leader worried that the team members don’t like you?

You can stop worrying. They don’t have to like you. They just have to trust you.

By definition, leaders make change. The influence required for making change does not require friendships with team members. What is required for influence? Trust.

It is a mistake to expend effort seeking to be liked for two reasons. First, it is not necessary. Second, it can backfire.

The number one way that it can backfire is that you may cease to be yourself in your attempt to become liked. This is inauthentic. Inauthenticity is anathema to developing trust. Being authentic is a required behaviour if you expect to gain the trust of your team.

I have seen software team leaders lose trust in this way. It was a train wreck. The leader’s loss of authenticity transformed the company from an innovative software shop to something ugly in short order. It was more like a group of prisoners in a gulag plotting their escape than an engaged software team.

Also, consider yourself. If you cease to be your authentic self in your effort to become liked, then your self-esteem is threatened and your own happiness jeopardized unnecessarily.

If you are worried that your team members don’t like you, then it is the worrying that is the problem, not the lack of liking nor the team members. Reflect upon why you need to be liked. Consider that it is you and your fragile ego that need work, and not your team.